why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
