I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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