so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
