:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
