well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
