He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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