sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
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Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
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Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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