Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
