I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
