OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
