I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
