WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
