Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
