dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
