he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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