What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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