we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
