I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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