Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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