Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
