I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
