Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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