perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
