yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
