hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
