Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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