We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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