The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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