I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
