Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
