Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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