dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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