I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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