She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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