He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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