tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
