I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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