thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
