as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
