My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
