Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
