you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
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i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
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How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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