got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
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You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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