i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
