I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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