I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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