Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
