I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
