I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
