I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
