take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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