promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
