Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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